Well done.
You're doing a great job staying at home. You're a fucking superstar, keep it up.
What the hell are you doing?! Why are you taking a bloody stupid questionnaire when there's an emergency going on?! Use some common sense and get it sorted, for fuck's sake!
You don't need to go and see people and risk either you or them getting coronavirus. Do a Zoom call, text, email... Christ, even use Facebook if you must.
You don't need to leave the house.OK?
Fine. Meet up if you must, but no more than six people.
You realise you have to stay outside, right? Make sure you stay 2 metres away, don't go giving them a fucking hug or anything. I hope it's worth it.
Keep safe.
You can join a bubble.
Your bubble can only involve one household and one single adult living alone. Choose your bubble and fucking stick to it, you can't chop and change.
Normal rules then apply. If they get sick, you have to quarantine. If you get sick, they have to quarantine.
Keep safe.
So you didn't really need to see them then, did you. Stay the fuck at home.
You're getting paid 80% to sit on your arse and do nothing, so do nothing. Don't put lives in danger by leaving the house unnecessarily.
You don't need to go out. Ok?
You get to sit around in your pants, only dressing from the waist-up when you have yet another fucking stupid team meeting on Zoom. Just pretend to do actual work for the rest of the time, instead, watch Netflix and/or porn. You don't need to go out. Ok?
Live the dream.
Quit your fucking job and stay at home. You don't need to put your life at risk to make money for people already richer than you. Things will get better when this is all over.
You've got this.
You have to pay the bills somehow. It's shit that you have to put your life at risk to make money for people already richer than you.
Keep safe.
About fucking time. A union would make sure you go to work only when it's safe, not when the bloody shareholders demand it. People before profits.
Keep safe.
You're doing a fucking great job, thank you.
Keep safe.
Wear a mask if you've got one. Keep 2 metres from other people. Follow the fucking arrows on the floor. Then head straight back home and fucking stay there.
Keep safe.
Sit on the sofa, in the comfort of your underpants, and order it online.
You don't need to go out. Ok?
Stay at least 2 metres away from other people. Stretch your legs, burn off last night's takeaway, and power through. Then head straight back home and fucking stay there.
Do laps of your fucking garden. If it's good enough for Colonel Tom Moore, it's good enough for you.
You don't need to leave the house. Ok?
You're beautiful as you are and don't let anyone tell you any different.
Stay the fuck at home.
If you wanted to show your thanks with a virtual cup of coffee I'd really appreciate it.
I can't promise I won't spend it on beer though.
Thanks,
Everyone's Favourite Jim