My watching of a good TV programme the other day was rudely interupted by an advertisement for tampons. There they were with the old blue water ‘proving’ that their product was better than “the next leading brand”. I suddenly wondered if this had been tested independently, thinking it hadn’t I set to it, throwing my own homemade creations in to the mix.
For this experiment backup was called for in the form of my good buddy, Raf the Science Gimp.
Not being of the ‘laydee’ variety of human, we weren’t able to test any of these products for comfort so this series of tests is all about absorbency, just like the adverts.
First off, the contenders:
Tampax
The leading brand
Supermarket own
Sainsbury’s applicator tampons
Homemade
JimmerUK’s Fanny Plugs (prototype)
So we set off. The test is an easy one: stick them in a glass of a measured amount of the infamous blue water (250ml) and let them do their business. When it is determined they can soak up no more, we pull them out and measure how much water is left therefore determining their absorbency.
First up – Tampax
WHOAH! The moment it touched the water it instantly grew in size! I didn’t realise how fast these things worked. You never, ever want to try eating one of these fuckers as you will die. Remember, the human body is 70% water and these things could drain you dry. I’m surprised that once you open a packet of these all the water isn’t sucked out of the atmosphere!
After my surprise we got back down to science with the Sainsbury’s own brand.
The Tampax and Sainsbury’s both looked the same kind of size before they were immersed, but we immediately noticed that the Sainsbury’s hadn’t grown to quite the proportions of the Tampax once wet. Could this mean that it wouldn’t hold as much water? We would soon find out.
Next up – JimmerUK’s Fanny Plugs (something I’m very, very proud of)
Now, we had trouble totally immersing this bad boy. Not because it grew to the size of a moon and enveloped us all, simply because it was already huge in the first place.
A sturdy Raf finger was placed on the ‘tampon’ to hold it down. When these hit the shelves, a plastic Raf Finger will come with the box to enable laydees to insert the tampon a little easier. I think we might even put his phone number on the box aswell so laydees can call for the personal touch. How’s that for customer service!
Results:
Tampax
The tampax glass was left with 213ml meaning it had absorbed 37ml.
Sainsbury’s Own Brand
The SOB glass was left with 223ml, meaning it had absorbed 27ml.
JimmerUK’s Fanny Plugs
The JFP glass was left with 222ml, meaning that it had absorbed 28ml.
WOO YAY! My first attempt at making a tampon with three sheets of kitchen roll and an elastic band actually turned out to be better than the Sainsbury’s ‘professional’ version. I couldn’t believe it. Unfortunately both were left standing by the super-absorbency of the Tampax. That little bastard drained over a third more fake menstrual fluid than mine. Bah!
Having toyed enough with tampons, we turned our attentions to sanitary towels.
The contenders:
The leading brand
Always Ultra
Supermarket own
Sainsbury’s Ultra Towel
Homemade
JimmerUK’s Laydee’s Pants Protectors (prototype)
So here’s the test: Carefully measuring 10ml of blue water using a tablespoon, we poured the water onto the towels until they got the kitchen roll underneath wet, and then kept going until they had absorbed all they could. Clever huh?
First to go, Always Ultra
We poured on the water…
…and some more…
…and some more. This thing drank more than a cheap slut on a friday night! We checked the bottom to see if it had started coming through.
It hadn’t so we kept going until finally spillage.
Then we poured on more and more until this fanny pad had had it’s fill.
Like the good scientists we were we couldn’t understand how this demon thing was working so we destroyed it. Inside was lots of wet slime. Where had it come from? How did this thing make slime? Was this ectoplasm or something?
We moved on to the Sainsbury’s towel
and repeated the process
This one was filled with loads and loads of goo! On closer inspection it would seem that they were saturated crystals that had been sitting there quite happily until we started pouring blue water over them.
Finally, JimmerUK’s Lady’s Pants Protectors
Bah! this fucker fell at the first hurdle
We added another tablespoon and called it a day. It wasn’t going to take anymore.
The results:
Always
Took 60ml before spillage, and 80ml in total.
Sainsbury’s Own Brand
Took 50ml before spillage, and 80ml in total.
JimmerUK’s Laydee’s Pants Protectors
Took 10ml before spillage, and 20ml in total (complete failure).
It would seem that the leading brand is the leading brand for a reason, it works better (it also came with a handy fanny freshener wipe which no others did). The Sainsbury’s towels weren’t far behind, but didn’t look as attractive. Also, the Sainsbury’s towel was full of gel which would splurge all over the place, whereas the Always crystals were embedded into the towel. The less said about my homemade version, the better. It performed as well as you could expect three sheets of kitchen roll held together with packing tape would.
Happy with our contribution to science, we drew our conclusions.
Conclusion
If you’re a girl and you’ve got the painters in, on the monthlies, suffering from the curse, you can either go for Tampons if it’s not too heavy or you’re going swimming or something, or if there’s a heavy flow of blood pouring out of your front bottom you could go for a sanitary towel.
If you’re stuck without either, don’t fold up some bog-roll and stick it in your knickers, it’s rubbish. Roll up the bog-roll and shove it up inside, it works just as effectively as Sainsbury’s tampons and should keep you sorted until you get to the chemist. If you choose to hold it together with an elastic band as I did, I would recommend you pull it out carefully. I can only imagine the blood splatter all over the walls when it flicks out. It would probably resemble a scene from a Tarantino movie.
So there you have it. Science at work.
Those elastic bands have had postman’s fingers all over them. If a girl wanted a
postman’s fingers up her mimsy she would ask him to wash them first.
Bear this
in mind.
Hurrah for Google ads 😛
Never thought I’d enjoy reading about chick stuff… but I did! (the hotness of the “scientists” didn’t hurt either!) :p
Good science articles like this one are hard to find! I’ll be passing it around!
Why stop there?
Theres nipple guards (maternity), which we need to see the fit being checked and indeed giant nappies for grannies with stress incontinence.
We need to know before we all getting to old to care. :zzz
Funny as fooook
looooooool I liked this experiment very much..! I conducted a similar experiment myself when I was young & tender, but took it a step further by slapping the used tampons on car windows & watching the owners face when they returned & saw ‘grown’ ladies products on their car windows :zzz
brilliant. just…brilliant. I can now buy the leading brand of fem-plugs with ease and confidence, knowing full well they will work.
PS I had no idea they made scientists this sexy…where can I find one?
Oh the joy, the deep deep joy… lads doing sensible experiments & maybe learning a thing or too about how we ladies leak. I would however advise :?:?
… ladies not to put bog roll up their narnee coz it’ll leave shreds of the stuff stuck on ur inner walls & its a bugger tryin to get them out (and not too pleasant for the unfortunate person givin you head, to find days later!!
:p :upset :eek
It takes me over 3 hours to get home from work (fucking M25! biggest car park in the world!) and I come home to the surprise that I’m in the newsletter. Yay!
Quote:
Fuzzyone. ladies not to put bog roll up their narnee coz it’ll leave shreds of the stuff stuck on ur inner walls &
That sounds like the voice of experience! :grin
Lovely.
Who knew men could be so considerate as to take time to test fem prods & let ladies everywhere know which works the best! I’ll never be able to use a tamp and not think you you two. Thank you so much! :grin
Oh fantastic
Cheered me up on a rainy Friday evening! Well done lads!!!!!! :zzz
good research guys – what about another test adding tena lady to your selection? thats got to be duvet worthy?
If any girls want to be at 80% increased risk for vaginal infections, then by all means put rolled- up toilet paper inside you. Tampons are made and treated specially for internal use. Yay for yeast infections and monthlies!
80% Schmeighty percent
That means 20% infection free bog roll stuffing, guaranteed!
83% of all statistics are made up. Fact.
Nice!
Lick my bloody cunt
I just wanted to tell the whole world that my girlfriend is due ‘on’ within the next week and now I will be teaching HER one or two things about her sexy puss!!!
Nice1 guys :p
Yep, you’re right about the kitchen paper towel– been there, done that… “wad” over “fold” any day, girls.
i once sent a tampon through the washer and dryer by accident — when it came out, it was perfectly enlarged and not fluffy at all, so i tied it to my whiteboard and used it as a duster. It worked perfectly!
PS I live a couple of K away from the XXXX factory :> the export cans look far nicer than the bright yellow beer-piss coloured ones we get! what do you think of our brew?
ever poor soda pop on a tampax, super? much with the fun
Great scientific experiment. :grin
I live in the US (i didn’t vote for the bastards). I had to be in Washington one time and my friends and I ordered Bloody Marys – the waitress was such a bitch that we tipped her with OB Tampons in the reamins of the drinks and a quarter under an fipped glass of water on the table.
She came affter us screaming in the street.
OOOOH !! Tampon tests…LOL
The tests were ok but the comments are the funniest !!
Remind me of being 14 and thinking we were all so COOL because we talked to the girls about whether they used pads or tampons!!
EEEH it takes me back !!
LOLOLOL :upset :zzz
Geo
This reminds me of the time i was blobbing out without the help of lady pads.
The only appropriate item i had in my bag was my childs diaper However the diaper was bulky and hard to move around in. Being an artiste it is not unusual that i have a stanley knife in my bag. Slash slash slash and nappy was perfectly moulding to my lady parts.
However drip drip drip and half an hour later red clumps of silicone were smearing the chrome. I was so embarrassed.
Thats the last time i pole dance without tte help of proper tampons.
Since a lady friend asked if I could help her out of a sticky time, I have kept a supply of the leading brand in a pot in me bathroom.. I never once concidered they would be fun to play with.. now the mind boggles! thanks guys good work…
But….the rubber bands….I guess it would work fine if the lass was shaved, but if pubes were present it could be worse than a waxing!!!
WORKS FOR MEN TOO!!!
P.S. I forgot to mention, I had to go to a wedding yesterday and had a mammoth case of the trots….thanks guys, you saved me loads of embarrassment, and actually created some amusement when I developed the great idea of reapplying one and discarding the “used” one in the chocholate mousse! I also made 5 bob from my brother!!!!!!
haahaa fecking GREATone! haahaahaahaa
I always wondered whether men did this..
Guess I know for certain now. I personally find Playtex the best tampon of choice and tampax the second best, but that may be just me. Does anyone else find that tampons alleviate cramping over pads? I’d be afraid to shove any loo paper up there, yikes! That’d smart!
spade you are an idiot with too much timeon your hand(s) go get laid or something
Thanks for the comment Spade. It’s people like you who make this all worthwhile.
:grin
He has a point though… you are \”an idiot with too much time on your hand(s)\”
I personally don\’t see it as a bad thing though when you bring us gems of internet based information like this though. Keep up the good work!
wikid experiment n i hav same plates as u lol. jus wonderin wot made u wana do this?
It’s all in the intro. I saw an advert and thought that it was a lot of marketing bollocks. Things like this are never officially proven until JimmerUK tests it with science.
Product Warning I used to suffer from heavy nosebleeds and a laydeefrend of mine offered me a completely safe and inoffensive looking Lillets Mini tampon to staunch the flow. It was then that I found out just how absorbent the little blighters are! My poor old hooter ended up looking like half a manic toadstool and (needle-nosed) pliers had to be called for. You have been warned! And, fellas, you might want to think just *HOW* unbalanced a human being needs to be to stick one of these things into their most cherished parts once a month with just a… Read more »
loved your tampon version
:zzz
Who’s the guy on the left in the blue shirt?
You’re hot…
🙂 :grin 😉 8) :p :roll :eek :upset :zzz :sigh 😕 :cry 🙁 😡
brilliant guys, but I’m laydee with an allergy to almost all sanitary products and only one brand (Natracare organic sanitary products) will do so I have no choice and have to pay out more than double to other laydees for my protection.
Boo Hoo :cry
made me chuckle! :grin
😕 :roll igh igh :roll 😕 :cry :eek :zzz :zzz :p :grin :zzz
:cry :cry :cry :cry :cry :cry :cry :cry
good stuff mate, been hiding this site well, can you please do a science test on how to stop my neighbours car alarm going off in the middle of the night EVERY FUCKING NIGHT :grin