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How to Suck an Egg

It’s an often used phrase, ‘Don’t teach your grandmother to suck eggs’ but what does it actually mean? In this age of squalid, damp, poorly regulated nursing homes your grandmother is more likely to be buggered senseless by her big, burly carer than spend much time passing on this ancient custom. With the wonderful tool that is the internet, anyone can teach anything to anyone, so I set out to revive the long forgotten art of sucking eggs.

Taken from worldwidewords.org:

“It does look odd, but its meaning is clear enough: don’t give needless assistance or presume to offer advice to an expert. As that prolific author, Anon, once wrote:

Teach not thy parent’s mother to extract
The embryo juices of the bird by suction.
The good old lady can that feat enact,
Quite irrespective of your kind instruction.

Many similar expressions have been invented down the years, such as Don’t teach your grandmother how to milk ducks, and don’t teach your grandmother to steal sheep. These have the same kind of absurd image as the version you quote, which has survived them all. It was first recorded in 1707 in a translation by John Stevens of the collected comedies of the Spanish playwright Quevedo: “You would have me teach my Grandame to suck Eggs”. Another early example, whimsically inverted, is in Tom Jones by Henry Fielding, published in 1749: “I remember my old schoolmaster, who was a prodigious great scholar, used often to say, Polly matete cry town is my daskalon. The English of which, he told us, was, That a child may sometimes teach his grandmother to suck eggs”.”

That’s all well and good, but let’s get down to the nitty gritty of it, how do you actually do it?!

Step one:

You obviously need to have some eggs. Not wanting to stick some foreign birds non-fertilised embryo in my mouth, especially with all this bird flu going about, I decided to go British, and what better than ‘Go Large’ British fresh eggs?

Step two:

As you will probably be aware eggs come from a chicken’s fanny. They will be a little slimy, and will possibly collect some chicken arse feathers, and maybe a little poo. Select a reasonably clean egg, and if you’re really worried about it give it a wash (however, I chose not to).

Step three:

Place the egg firmly and confidently in the mouth. There’s no room for mistake here, a little too high and it’s an egg up the nose for you. A little too low, and you’ll have yolk running down your chin. If you’re drunk, you may want to consider someone else placing the egg in your mouth for you.

Step four:

There’s really nothing else for it but to suck. Not too hard or you’ll choke and if alone will die. There’s nothing worse than being found dead on the floor with an egg stuck in your throat, especially if you’re wearing your mother’s stockings and suspenders.

Top tips:

When removing the egg, try not to bite it. I know this is tempting, but it really isn’t very pleasant.

No, really. It is in fact very, very unpleasant. Much akin to swallowing elephant spunk I should imagine.

So there we have it, the lost art of sucking eggs here on the world wide superinterweb for all to see forever and ever, or at least until Edwina Currie gets hold of me. Show your grandmothers, children, friends and enemies and let’s eventually make this an olympic sport.

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guest
guest

Alternative phrase
I used to know someone who didn’t use the “don’t teach your grandmother how to suck eggs” phrase but instead said “don’t teach your father how to fuck”.

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guest

i’m drunk
disn’t miss my mouth but did proceed to wet and then shit myself reading your article. i want to vomit too.

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yukky but beautiful
this is the best nonsensical site in the world!

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guest

I Suck What?
I’m glad my stomach was full seeing this so I had something to barf up. (“The Dry Heaves” are really, really too much torture for me!)

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guest

I’m in need!
Anyone know where the nearest vomitorium is?

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guest

Oh Fuck!
I just blew my guts up again seeing that a fourth time!

dilbert
dilbert

BLEURGH!

guest
guest

Have you got any pics of your mother in stockings and suspenders?

guest
guest

i have the same plate as you.

guest
guest

Trust me, swallowing elephant spunk is a LOT worse !!!

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guest

moist
Elephant spunk is really hot as well

wet
wet

Geranny Feranny
my grandmother taught me to suck her whilst holding some eggs. does that count?

lordy
lordy

twunt!
lmao jimmer your such a silly silly silly bugger, but at least in a strange sort
of way, its informative

Trillipse
Trillipse

I find that in order to suck eggs on any normal day, i need to insert my face a darned sight nearer to the fallopian tube, somewhat resembling an -oscopy… (“an oscopy my dear? then you’re a scientist!” usually i feel more like a submariner)

CongoJoe
CongoJoe

What does cheap viagra have to do with sucking eggs?

Is it related to grandmothers sucking eggs?

gash
gash

😕 😕 :roll :upset :eek :sigh :cry

CongoJoe
CongoJoe

Bah, i think i figured out how theyre related.

Its all todo with getting youre grandmother to do things…

guest
guest

Stop breaking things Jimmer!

JeffPennsylvania
JeffPennsylvania

I found this site by accident, while Googling that saying about grandmothers.
This is the funniest site I’ve seen in years, maybe since the late 90s. Thanks!

Obbop
Obbop

GW Bush sux
Think that egg is bad? How would you like to have GW Bush as your president!!!! That vomity feeling occurs every time the ignorant vermin spews his tiresome drivel.

The lackey of the ruling elite is an ignoramus and represents a VERY small minority of Americans.

Damn….. GW Bush should be sucking eggs instead of pretending to be a president.

guest
guest

I can confirm
That swallowing elephant spunk, is EGG-ZACTLY (see what I did there?) the same

laura
laura

YUCK!
MORE YUCK!

danny
danny

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh ye but y and wtf does the term go suck an egg mean thats wot i want 2 no…….. BASTARDS 😕

stephen thomas
stephen thomas

so why did you suck eggs in the first place whats the point i understand the meaning of the quote but what is the relevence to the sucking eggs part dont teach your grandmother to shit i understand because shes been shitting a lot longer than me but why would i want to suck eggs in the first place

sarah
sarah

i have a plan … I am soon to be in the enviable position of having to be interveiwed for my own job. Redundency is looming and i heard i may be expected to make a presentation. After 34 years in nursing i’m just a little bit peeved. So can you guess what my presentation maybe about?

guest
guest

I’ve heard waht they actually did was to poke 2 holes in it and suck out the insides through one of them, which frankly makes a lot more sense than what you’re doing…